Forever Walking

How do you know when you're ready for a relationship? Well...first, buy a potted plant. And, if the plant is still alive a year later, get a pet. If the pet is alive and healthy a year later, go on a date.

-Some Movie

I remember that quote from some movie I watched a while back. It's the only thing I remember from that movie, but it's something that's stuck with me, and that I've been trying to apply to my relationships with a lot of things...not just boys. 

(also, I think the movie might have had Sandra Bullock in it.)

I love blogging. I think my favorite thing about blogging is going back and reading older entries. You know, getting a fresh perspective after days/weeks/months/years of disassociating myself from a particular post (especially looking at entries dedicated to ex boyfriends and marveling at all the time and precious energy I had invested in them).

The problem seems to be, though, that I get so caught up in thinking that every post I write has to be some philosophical, provocative series of golden thought nuggets that should immediately be published in the New Yorker, that I eventually cave under the self-imposed pressure, and my poor blog suffers months of neglect.

But not this time.

I need blogging too much.

Honestly, I need to feel like I can actually devote myself to something. I need to feel like there's something here, inside me, that needs to be released...and that I can release. I need to feel like I can be stained, and that I leave stains. I want to know that whatever I touch keeps a little bit of me on it--even if it is on my own blog. I want this blog to symbolize a new effort from me, in everything.

This blog will be my potted plant.

And everyday I will water it. I will give it sunshine and nurture it and watch it grow and see what it becomes. It may not become a great thing to the world, but if I can keep at it and take care of it, it will become a great thing to me, and that's really all that matters. And, after a time, when this blog has become me...I'll add a pet to my life, whatever that pet may be...

Could be going back to school.

Could be getting a job that means more to me than just paying the bills.

Could be finally writing a novel.

Could be a pet llama that I name Honky-Donk. Who knows.

It probably won't be a boy.

But for now I won't think about it. For now I'll just start over, and think about the little things. The fundamental things that I need to think about. For now I'll concentrate on watering this potted plant, and hope for the best.

(and boy, I hope tomorrow goes well.)



And I think it's already starting to work. I didn't intend for this entry to turn into a philosophical golden thought nugget. But I think it did, and that's ok. This is not the type of plant that grows straight up. It'll probably knot, and splinter, and curl in on itself. Its chlorophyll will mature and evolve, changing it from olive green to emerald and back again. I have no control over that. This blog is a living thing.